It is with my first blog post that I want to speak on something I never thought I'd have to. Something that sits as weight on my shoulders and something quite heavy. Something like life. Something like death. Now, I must say before sharing this story that it has been some time since I spoke with him, and it has been some time since I have seen him. But remembering the moments I did share with him in our freshman year together, are moments I will never forget. And again before sharing my outlook on his story, I give my deepest condolences to those much closer to Jamanni Gibson. Those like his family, close friends, and the rest of us who at the time - called our group "squad". Yesterday, I was notified of the devastating news that my dear friend had passed away. His name was Jamanni Gibson - a beautiful soul who attended classes here at UIC and later enlisted in the army. He planned to take a canoe and kayaking trip when he was off-duty. And he planned he was going to go and embrace this wonderful life and all the simplicity and natural scenery it has to offer. Jay passed away in an accident on the lake a couple days ago. Jay, an old and lively soul - passed too early and too young. When thinking on what happened to Jay and all those affected by this, I often go back-and-fourth in emotions. Sadness in the way he passed, guilt for not speaking to him more, and anger for the universe taking him so early. However, I also feel positive emotions. I feel comfort instead of sadness or anger when I think of his life and age. The universe took Jay, yes, too early for us to understand, but the universe took him at the right time. The universe took Jay when he fulfilled his purpose and journey here. And I have comfort in knowing Jay is onto better things now. I also feel gratitude instead of guilt when I think of our relationship. Jay continued to speak to me, accept me, and hear my voice regardless of my mistakes in my faulty freshman year associations and influences. Jay also had the ability to make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world and as if I was so worthy of love. Jay would say, "Ooooo, I wanna take you home and show you off to my momma!" as he picked me up and would swirl me around. Jay had this flattering effect on many people and everyone felt so loved and beautiful with Jay. And I have comfort in knowing Jay always loved others, and Jay was and is always loved. So, I suggest to all of you reading this, that you stay aware of everything you do and say to those you love because you truly never know when it is your or their last breath. And I ask that you do not feel anger, sadness, or guilt when it comes to your relationships' end. Instead, feel gratitude. Because I ought to tell you, I'm sure happy I kept the good relationship with Jay that I did...even if it was distant. Because I want to be sure that Jay and all my friends and family know how much I love them. Because I want to be sure that on his Jay's last breath, he knew just how much he impacted the little time he had with me. Because I want to be sure he knew he was loved by me and everyone else in his life. -Allie
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The following is a poem I wrote regarding this past summer. It was a summer of confusion, sadness, and regret.
Nicotine High We dry pop cigarettes In my living room. Hoping- Wishing- Pleading- Even fucking bleeding That this won't end too soon. Talking nonsense- Baby gibberish Of conversations, Now lost. You buff the Black n Mild- Blow smoke in my face And say that you love me. But, you don't. I know. See, I don't think I loved you either. I wanted to believe I did- But I hid My true emotions Like Christmas presents, And unwrapping them whenever I needed to feel something. I know you are named after a spice- But that spice has turned sour Past the expiration date, You dissociate in an hour. Get me high- Because you "Fucking love drugs." And for some reason You couldn't have it with me Being sober. I used to be a good kid, Then I think about all the Things we did. I hate who I let you Turn me into. It's my fault, though. I let the oceans Of my tears, words, and blood Reach high tide And I sailed myself out to you. Doing things I never wanted to, Kicking people out of my life- Making up a new strife, Again slitting my wrists with a knife. I went crazy with you. And it's my fault, But now I am fixing myself, Separating myself from you, Doing what I have to In order to find myself again. Dry popping cigarettes And inhaling cancer. That is your life now, Not mine. -Alex |
About:The Student Wellness Collective is an all-inclusive organization that aims to create unity on campus and only focus on improvements. Archives
January 2019
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